It has been months since I last talked to all of you. Those months have really been a struggle for me. It has been hard to even get up out of bed. I’m struggling to sleep, eat, or otherwise take care of myself. Every time I get in the car, my anxiety goes through the roof. Both of my parents have been in car accidents in the last month or so. They’re both fine.
My little one is now in the gifted program at school which has been really great for him. I’m so proud. I’ve booked my honeymoon and picked up my wedding dress from the boutique. I even changed jobs to get away from stress. I’m working for my dad now. Way less stress. My house is a wreck, and I don’t have the motivation to clean it. Not like it needs to be. I’ve been procrastinating on my school work until at least midweek which is not helping being stressed. I’m working on homework all weekend. I need a vacation. I think I need to just go to the mountains and sit in peace for a few days. I don’t want to entertain anyone or have anything planned. Just a cabin in the woods (not the horror movie).
My chest is heavy with anxiety. I know this seems like random babblings, but I just have to get it all out. I can’t keep keeping all this inside of me. I need to get back on track. I have started drinking coffee again on a regular basis. I’m relying on my vape again way too much. I’ve regressed from all of the hard work that I had put in to better myself. Now all I do is aimlessly scroll on my phone. I hate that I do it, but I don’t have the motivation to change it. I feel like a bad mom because I let my child watch too much TV. I feel like a bad fiancée because I’ve neglected my significant other’s physical needs. I’m struggling hardcore, and it’s not easy to get out of that downward spiral. I put on a smile and try my best to convince myself and others that I’m doing good. I’m bettering myself after all; why wouldn’t I be happy? My happiness comes in small waves on the shore of my depression.
I had the realization that hit me like a brick that I needed to start writing again. I needed to open it all up, even if no one read what I had to write. I’m not going to apologize like I have so many times for being absent, but I am going to say that I’m going to do better. At the very least, I’m going to try. Please be patient with me as I try to get back on track to keeping my mental health a priority in my life.
Do you ever feel like you’re drowning in life? Like all you do still can’t seem to keep your head above the waves. That’s where I am right now, and I’m trying to keep going. It’s hard though, very hard. I want to give up so bad sometimes and just quit fighting, but I know that I can’t do that. I know I have to keep living for my son and others that love me. If you know me in real life and are reading this, please know that I’m not suicidal. I just get really tired sometimes of fighting to keep going.
I don’t really know where to end this post because it seems like it could keep going forever. I really appreciate all the support from everyone. Thank you for continuing to read my blog.
Don’t hesitate to shoot me an email if you have any questions, comments, or concerns at beatinguncertainty@gmail.com.
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